My mother is 96 years old and still going strong. She lives on her own, cooks, cleans and drives my sister and me crazy with her demands. She is going to outlive both of us because neither God nor Satan wants her.

I cannot remember one holiday or special occasion when my mother was not sick or injured. She did not attend my first communion, confirmation or graduation from either grammar school or high school due to (pick one) a fall, the flu, a hernia, ulcers, a migraine. I'm pretty sure she was there when I was born, but that was probably the first and last time she put in an appearance. Never once did I look into the audience during a school play to see her looking back at me. Come to think of it, the one time I got into a real mess of trouble at school, she sent one of my aunts to meet with the principal. Her excuse -- she sprained her ankle.

Mom is not beyond manipulating a situation to suit her needs. If she is not getting enough attention (I have yet to discover the definition of enough), she will put herself in danger to get the desired results. I have visions of her standing naked and wet from the shower in front of the open freezer. Teeth chattering and icicles hanging from, no wait, that's an image I don't want to think about. Until she retired at the age of 70, she worked in an embroidery factory doing the mending. More often than not, she sewed her fingers to the fabric because band-aids full of blood are sure to be noticed.

At my sister's wedding, she told the family that my father had cancer and did not have long to live. He was surprised to learn he was sick but did not seem bothered by his impending death. I actually think he rejoiced at the thought of being free from mom's antics. He lived ten more years. Poor guy. When I got married, mom came to the reception with her arms wrapped in ace bandages. Her arthritis, she claimed, was just too painful without them.

Mom has been known to drink sour milk, overdose on laxatives, burn herself while cooking, slam a door on her hand, cut herself with a sharp knife and fall down a flight of stairs...all for attention. Her favorite is to forget to take her blood pressure medicine. When the paramedics arrive, it's like a reunion. They have been to her house so often that she now bakes cakes for them and has either my sister or I deliver them to the firehouse. How she hasn't killed herself is a question we all ask, but then, we remember God and Satan and the answer is clear.

Recently, my family was involved in a criminal case that was devastating for all of us....except mom. Because of her age, we would not allow her to attend the trial, which lasted two weeks. Each day we arrived home emotionally drained and mentally beaten. Most days mom was waiting with another emergency. Twice she fell out of her chair and lay prone on the patio where the neighbors could see her and rush to her aid. Once we found her lying on the kitchen floor. She said she had passed out and hit her head on the cabinets. Another time, she was kneeling over the toilet, sick to her stomach from "bad" food we had left her to eat.

There have been so many incidents over the years that I have lost track of them all...and I've lost patience in the process. Each time she has been hospitalized, my sister and I have informed the doctors and nurses of her condition. They look at us like we are crazy. Munchausen's is not easy to diagnose and only Munchausen's by Proxy causes any great concern in the medical community.

Mom is such a great actress. She has everyone convinced that she is just a sweet little old lady who wants nothing more than to be healthy and spend time with her family. At her age, most of her relatives have already moved on to the great beyond. Please, God, can you invite her to join them? Sorry, dad.

Author's Note: Münchausen syndrome is a term for psychiatric disorders known as Factitious disorders wherein those affected feign disease, illness, or psychological trauma in order to draw attention or sympathy to themselves. It is also sometimes known as hospital addiction syndrome or hospital hopper syndrome.

Münchausen syndrome by proxyis a disorder in which a person deliberately causes injury or illness to another person (most often their child) usually to gain attention or some other benefit.