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YourHub.com \\ Jupiter \\ Stories \\ Holidays \\ Mother's Day

Moms Can Share The Secret of A Confident Life

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Contributed by: Dr Raymond Underwood on 5/9/2007

Mother's Day Sunday Message Exerpt by
Dr. Raymond Underwood
Lead Pastor, Palm Beach Community Church

This Mother's Day we conclude our current message series on living an authentic, confident life by looking at how Mothers, (and all of us for that matter) can help increase the confidence in their children and others.

Emerson wisely said, "that our chief want is to have someone who will inspire us to be what we know we can be." We want someone to believe and have confidence in us. We want someone to bring out the best in us-like our mothers.

But even larger than that, God believes in us and He wants to bring out our best, too. When we develop a relationship with our creator we can then understand "the secret" to living confidently. Through Him we can realize our uniqueness, our incredible worth, our giftedness and our value. In fact, God reminds us that we are responsible to help bring out the best in others. Jesus said, "As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

I also believe God has especially wired mothers to help raise our confidence level, so I'll share with you six key "secrets" that mothers (or any of us) can share with their children (or other people) to build their self-confidence.

1. ACCEPT THEIR UNIQUENESS
God has made everybody different and unique. However, most people admit that it's easier to accept theselves than others. And others would probably admit it's easier to accept some people more than others. It easier to like and accept people who are more like us. Why? We believe we are "normal". And the more you are like me, the more normal you are.

God says in Romans 15:7, "Accept one another just as Christ accepted you." The truth is you can't really help someone else gain confidence until you have really accepted them the way they are. When you accept a child's (or adult's) uniqueness and individuality, you prove it by not trying to change them into your image. The Bible says, "Love does not demand its own way."

That means, moms, you should not expect your children to be a carbon copy of you. God created them to be different. Remember to encourage, and accept their uniqueness. Don't let your children feel they're in competition with each other and challenge them to be themselves.

2. TRUST THEM WITH RESPONSIBILITY
Nothing builds confidence faster than believing in your child-and then demonstrating it by giving them responsibility.

That's what my mom and dad did. They gave me responsibilities at a very early age and, boy, did it increase my confidence. They gave me odd jobs around the house, they let me earn money by selling door-to-door Christmas cards at age 12, and at 13 they let me spend my summer vacations in Miami working as a roofer with my uncle. (After doing that for a couple of summers, I decided there was no future for a fair-skinned boy in the roofing business in Miami). My mother believed in me and said, "Go for it."

Moms, do you realize that being over-protective is a form of rejection? In essence, you're saying to your child: "you are not competent, so I've got to do it for you." Because my parents, especially my mom, trusted in me and gave me responsibility, I graduated from college and was ordained to be a minister by age 20.

When we take all the responsibility for our children, we're taking it away from them. How many times have you heard grandparents say that if they had to do it over again, they would do less for their kids and let them do more for themselves? Moms, if you will not let your children grow up, then you are in a sense, rejecting them.

If God has put his trust in people, shouldn't we? After Jesus' 12 disciples deserted Him and left Him all alone to be crucified, would you have trusted them with the most important message this world has ever heard? But Jesus trusted them anyway. He said this, "As my Father has sent me, so am I sending you." Although they were ordinary people, they blossomed with self-confidence.

3. EXPECT THE BEST.
1 Corinthians 13:7 says that, "If you love someone...you will always believe in him, and always expect the best of him."

A mom's attitude can help determine the future and attitude of their child. It has been proven over and over again that when you expect great things from people, great things will happen.

A famous, historical study by Dr. Robert Rosenthal, a Harvard professor, and Leonore Jacobson, a San Francisco school principal asked the question: "Do some children perform poorly in school because their teachers expect them to? If so, they surmised, raising the teacher's expectations should raise the children's performances as well. So, a group of kindergarten to fifth-grade pupils was given a learning ability test. The next fall, the new teachers were casually given the names of five or six children in the new class who were designated as "Spurters". The tests supposedly revealed that these children had exceptional learning ability. What the teachers didn't know was the test results had been "fixed", and that the names of these "spurters" had been chosen entirely at random.

At the end of the school year, all the children were retested, with some astonishing results. The pupils whom the teachers thought had the most potential had actually scored far ahead, and had gained as many as 15 to 27 I.Q. points. The teachers described these children as happier, more curious, more affectionate than average, and having a better chance of success in later life. But, the only change for the year was the change in attitudes of the teachers. Because they had been led to expect more of certain students, those children came to expect more of themselves.

Subconsciously, those teachers communicated their positive expectations through their tone of voice, facial expressions, touch and posture. Moms, your attitude towards your children can make them or break them; bless them or curse them. So expect the best.

4. TELL THEM THEY ARE VALUED
1 Thessalonians 5:11 states, "encourage one another and build each other up." Dr. James Dobson did a study of 10,000 women, and they found that the leading cause of depression among women was low self-esteem. They did not feel valuable or important and lacked a sense of self-worth. They desperately needed someone to affirm their value. And, it is not just women. Our children and people of all ages in our high-tech, low-touch world are starving for affirmation.

Mothers, I believe there are three great ways you can affirm your child's value (and others, too): attention, affection and appreciation. Through attention, you can raise a child's confidence just by the way you look at him or her. A look that says, "I believe in you, you can do it."
Secondly, if you love somebody, show it with affection. Proverbs 27:5 says, "Better is open rebuke than hidden love." We need to demonstrate our love. I am a fanatic about showing love to my kids. I don't want them just to hear they are loved, I want them to feel it. When my daughter, Janelle, was in first grade, her teacher asked her to write a sentence on why she loves her father. She answered: "because my daddy kisses me all the time." I didn't want there to be any doubt in her mind that I loved her.

And thirdly, appreciation affirms children. The word "appreciation" means to "raise in value". Do you realize that every time you appreciate your children, your friends or co-workers that it raises their value? I work to show my family they are valuable every day by appreciating them in various ways. In Hebrews 3:13 it states that we should "encourage one another daily."

And mothers, if any of these three ways to affirm your kids doesn't come easy to you, start with the one that does-then you can work your way up to using all of them.

5. CORRECT WITHOUT CONDEMNING
Now we all need correction at times. But how do you go about doing it? By "speaking the truth in love" as it says in Ephesians 4:15. The secret is to correct someone without condemning them. Some children have a more fragile self-image and they may take correction as an attack. Or worse than that, Moms, is not caring enough to correct them or confront an issue.

So "speak the truth in love" to your children with openness and honesty telling them what you think and what you feel-correction without condemnation. A mom's words can either heal or harm and continuous criticism and ridicule does not motivate. Instead, it produces the opposite. Most people remember the criticisms and forget the compliments.

For example, I used to go home on Sundays and read the comment cards people filled out and there were often many positive words and compliments; but guess what I would remember? The one critical remark. It's human nature to remember the negative and forget the positive.

6.DON'T GIVE UP ON THEM.
In 1 Corinthians 13 is says that, "Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope, it can outlast anything." Love is a choice we make. God has chosen to love us, so we must choose to love others. Mothers this means you don't quit loving, you don't give up.

Dr. Alan Loy McGinnis tells the story about an annual sales conference when the awards were being handed out to the outstanding sales person of the year. One woman who performed spectacularly that year and had made an enormous amount of money gave all the credit to her sales manager. As she stood before the crowd of 3,000 people, she recalled the slump she had been in two years before.

At that time, the future looked so bleak she was ready to resign and tried several times. But her supervisor kept persuading her that she had not tried long enough. She would not have been hired if she did not have unusual potential. She said, "For all those months I wanted to quit, Joan believed in me more than I believed in myself. She wanted me to succeed even more than I did."

Moms are you being that way with your children, are you being that kind of friend to your spouse others? Do they know that you will never give up on them?

In conclusion, I hope today that mothers can be challenged to let their children and others be themselves; to make it their life mission to encourage them and build them up through the "secrets" I have mentioned. Finally, I tell you best news. There is someone who never gives up on people, and that is Jesus Christ. He refuses to give up on mothers; or fathers, or children, or any person. He is the God of second chances. And I invite all mothers (and everyone else) to put their faith, trust and self-confidence in Him. So then, you can truly learn to help build authentic confidence in others.

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