Three thoughts of a grieving father

This is being written in three parts because these are the three things on my mind since the death of my son Shawn Ahrent on December 12 th, 2008 at the age of 20.

PART ONE

To his friends and young people everywhere let me start at thank you, thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Thank you for being a friend to my son. Let me say I was amazed at the number of people at the service. I know my son but not in the same ways and knowing he had so many people that cared for him has helped make his lose a little easier.

His loss has taken part of my soul and after less than two months I am just going through the motions of living and if I did not have my daughter Brittany I don't know where I would be right now. My kids have always been my soul even though we are miles apart. I love them both very much.

Shawn was my little "Buba", that's what I called him when he was younger. Later he became my son Shawn, a young man searching for a way through this difficult world. He made mistakes as some young people do. I have many regrets. I regret that I wasn't around as much as I wanted and that I couldn't help him some of the times he asked. All I could do was tell him I loved him and give advice even if he didn't ask for it. One of my biggest regrets is that the last time we talked I gave my advise on his choice of career, I just wanted him to succeed and we disagreed but not arguing, said I love you talk to you later. I thought he would call in a day or in a week as he had always done, but we were both stubborn and that's the last time I heard his voice. I should have called! Had I known as I do now how good he was at being a tattooist I would have told him how proud I was of him.

Now to the point: I am not pointing fingers at any one part of society or person but WAKE UP YOUTH, GUNS ARE NOT TOYS! They do not make you macho or more of a man. If you are going some place where you think you need that kind of protection DON'T GO! Is it really where you want to be, is it worth the chance or price that may be paid? The ownership of a gun requires that you have respect for it, fear of it to a point for what it can do, common sense most of all. My son paid the price for the lack of all of these things. His friend shot and killed him. Now my son is gone and the other young man is facing jail.

To his friends that I met: Thank you again for taking care of him when I couldn't, for giving him food and a place to stay when he wasn't allowed to go home. I love you all for that.

PART TWO

To the young man that took his life.

I want you to know that I do not hate you or want any harm to come to you. Hate breeds hate. I know from talking to my son that you were good friends and you are together in so many of his MySpace pictures. You were there for him when he needed a friend and he was there for you. I am however angry that you did not use better judgment and maturity when owning a weapon. You will never know how much you took from me, no one will. Shawn was my only son, the only legacy of my last name. Brittany will marry and the kids will have his last name not mine. I have talked to you twice and want to understand why, but there is no answer to why. Why did he die and not just get hurt and everyone learns a lesson? Why didn't he just come stay with me when he could have? Laws were broke and I can't change those facts or the outcome but I want you to take care because Shawn cared. When all is done I want you to make your life worth something. Become a man Shawn would have had for a life long friend. Make his death mean something. Please do this for me. Do this for Shawn, you owe him at least that much. So honor him by becoming more than most and making a difference in this world while you can.

PART THREE

To my son Shawn.

Son your death has left a void in my life, a hole in my heart that can never be filled. I want you to know that I love you and miss you so much. I cry every day and will probably be this way until I die. I remember your birth at 8:01 am in San Diego. The nurse came out and handed me this little bundle and said "Here is your baby boy". You were wrapped up with a blue cap on and you were so cute. I held you for the first 10 minutes before anyone else and I was so proud. Time went by so fast. I played with you and made sure you were safe from all things. We moved to Guam when you were around 23 months and had your 2 nd birthday in the hotel where we stayed. I have pictures of you walking in my boots and hat. You copied everything I did and made me smile when days were hard. A year later your sister was born and we sat down to have a talk. I told you that you were a big brother and part of that meant you had to help watch your sister and protect her. You took that to heart and began defending her against any and all kids. You did this because you loved her and in later years you would call to let me know what was happening in her life and to let me know you had a talk with her or a boy that was hanging around. Even though she got mad I know she liked knowing you were there for her. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't have had that talk with you because when I asked you to come stay with me your answer was always "I would dad but I have to keep an eye on Brittany". If I had you with me maybe what happened would have been different. You are so much like me and your grandpa Ray. You're strong and wear your heart on your sleeve, and loyal to a fault. If you had nothing you still made others your priority, if they are down you make them smile.

When you were put out on your own it broke my heart when you called and I could do nothing. I want you to know I am so proud of who you became, so strong and loved by all. I wish we had spent more time together when we could have but hind sight is 20/20 as they say and I thought I always had more time.

The news of your death has been so hard. You were my only son, the last male with my last name. there are so many things left unsaid, so many regrets, so many whys and what ifs. Just know I will see you again someday and I know you are still watching over your sister somehow. I wish I could say these things to you face to face but I know you know how I felt. So rest now my son and know you are always in my thoughts and dreams. You don't have to struggle anymore and those of us that truly loved you will be here waiting to see you again. I am proud you are and always will be one of the greatest joys ever in my life.

I love you always my son Shawn Christopher Ahrent.