Do you know what I love most about pulling weeds? I love the way they scream when you yank'em out of the ground.

Today was finally "The Day". I've been putting it off to long. I used every excuse under the sun this summer as to why NOT to weed my beds. But today was finally the day. Pulling weeds is very cathartic. It's a great stress reliever. It's actually fun. You get into a zone, a rhythm. It's like an outdoor meditation experience that you could never get at any spa. Anyways, let me tell you what I came across while weeding today.

A giant mound of fire ants had set up camp beneath my blue plumbago. Unfortunately, I found this out the hard way. It never fails, within the first five minutes of any garden project, yours truly always manages to find the fire ants. Here's what happens each and every time. First, a strange feeling comes over you like you are being watched. You stand up from being bent over in the garden, look left then right. Nothing. You bend back down to continue weeding only to discover that you are standing smack dab in fire ants. What do you do??? Well, here's a little secret that works for me. First I cuss. Twice. Once at myself, for not looking where I am stepping, then once at not only the fire ants that are crawling all over my boots and up my legs, but at every fire ant every known to mankind. I know that this move may seem sophomoric and immature, anything but productive. However, I don't care. It works for me.

My next move is to just stand there. I literally just stand there in a suspended state of animation and try to get myself mentally prepared for the inevitable. I'm going to get bit. It's coming. There's nothing that myself or anyone else on God's green earth can do to prevent this. It's go time.

Third, I engage myself in what can best be described as doing the "Fire Ant Dance". You know what I'm talking about. We've all been there, we've all done that. The "Fire Ant Dance" is what automatically happens whenever anyone reaches down to smack the red menace to kingdom come. When the first one bites, they all bite, and the dance beings. I myself like to stick with the classics, and do the old "Hop and Slap". This move is where you first hop on one leg, lift your other leg up toward you like some type of pale-legged flamingo and begin to slap at the ants. After about five seconds, you switch legs and swat away. Wash, rinse, repeat. I was hopping and dancing around faster than the Lord of the Dance guy, only without music. I've done this dance hundreds of times, but today, I added a new twist. Halfway through the "dance", I managed to step back into an unseen armadillo hole and down I went. Lying there, flat on my back swatting at my legs like some crazed break dancer from MTV. After the last ant was smacked, I thought to myself, thank goodness no one saw me. Then I heard something from across the yard. Just my luck. Witnesses. My four year old daughter and her friend from next door where standing there, laughing at Daddy.

Well, needless to say, after 6 hours of pulling pig grass, I made a promise to myself, that I would never let it get this bad again. We'll see.

Have fun diggin'.

Spence

Spencer Porteous is a Certified Nursery Professional with fourteen years of experience in the Green Industry and owner of Everything Outdoors in Vero Beach, Florida.